As I look around myself, I see more & more people these days going out of their married commitments and indulging in what is notoriously known as infidelity. It's a shame and unfortunately, this is not just a problem amongst celebrities or other high society folks anymore. It's a disease that is spreading at the speed of light amongst normal everyday people, the average Joe's & Jane's of the world. It has currently become the leading reason for divorces in most countries.
Everyone has their own personal definition of infidelity. My personal belief of what sort of behavior counts as infidelity co-incides with leading psychiatrist and author of the book '3's a crowd', Vijay Nagaswami. Nagaswami defines an extra-marital affair as "any relationship, which is emotionally intense enough to detract from the marriage and is conducted in secrecy." He further goes on to classify affairs as predominantly emotional or sexual or both. Which also disregards the common myth that the absence of sex necessarily does not mean an affair is not taking place.
Nagaswami's advice to married people/singles attracted to married people, "The minute you are strongly attracted to someone (physically and/or emotionally), step back and cool things down. If you fool yourself into thinking that you can handle your attraction and not cross the line, an affair is waiting to happen."
My personal advice to the same set of people, "No matter how strong you think you are, at the end of the day, you are human and so you are vulnerable. If you feel attracted to someone you should not be, immediately cut off all relations with such a person. Don't abuse the "we are just friends" or "he/she really needs me" slogan. The truth is you are playing with fire, and just when you least expect it, you are bound to get your hand (or your whole body) burnt."
So, how can you tell if your partner is betraying the love, trust and faith he/she committed to you at the time of marriage? Shirley Glass, author of 'Not just friends', a book that is based on 30 years of research and work with couples in affair-recovery states that "it is an assumption that a cheating partner almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand. She says the fact is that the majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partner never finds out.”
Anne Bercht, author of "My husband's affair became the best thing that happened to me" lists the following top 10 signs that were reported to her in majority of the cases of infidelity in her research:
As Dr. Nagaswami says, it is most certainly possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time and start getting into a web of deception. The most surprising find is that affairs happen even in good marriages because it's not always that people go out and seek affairs; sometimes affairs just walk through the door unannounced. If you are a couple who has faced such horrific disaster and wondering if a broken trust can ever be rebuilt, read this last piece of advice from Dr. Nagaswami:
"Trust, while being a non-negotiable commodity, is certainly recoverable, provided that
Always remember, that an extra-marital affair even if it is just a strong emotional attachment to someone you are not committed to is a threat and can at some point or other, break your marriage. It is no small affair and not negotiable.
Everyone has their own personal definition of infidelity. My personal belief of what sort of behavior counts as infidelity co-incides with leading psychiatrist and author of the book '3's a crowd', Vijay Nagaswami. Nagaswami defines an extra-marital affair as "any relationship, which is emotionally intense enough to detract from the marriage and is conducted in secrecy." He further goes on to classify affairs as predominantly emotional or sexual or both. Which also disregards the common myth that the absence of sex necessarily does not mean an affair is not taking place.
Nagaswami's advice to married people/singles attracted to married people, "The minute you are strongly attracted to someone (physically and/or emotionally), step back and cool things down. If you fool yourself into thinking that you can handle your attraction and not cross the line, an affair is waiting to happen."
My personal advice to the same set of people, "No matter how strong you think you are, at the end of the day, you are human and so you are vulnerable. If you feel attracted to someone you should not be, immediately cut off all relations with such a person. Don't abuse the "we are just friends" or "he/she really needs me" slogan. The truth is you are playing with fire, and just when you least expect it, you are bound to get your hand (or your whole body) burnt."
So, how can you tell if your partner is betraying the love, trust and faith he/she committed to you at the time of marriage? Shirley Glass, author of 'Not just friends', a book that is based on 30 years of research and work with couples in affair-recovery states that "it is an assumption that a cheating partner almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand. She says the fact is that the majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partner never finds out.”
Anne Bercht, author of "My husband's affair became the best thing that happened to me" lists the following top 10 signs that were reported to her in majority of the cases of infidelity in her research:
- Number one on the signs of infidelity list was when a spouse became emotionally distant, withdrawn or depressed. Most of those who had been cheated on reported this behavior. "He became self-absorbed," one woman said, "living as if he was single with his own agenda and plans. He became more and more disinterested in me, our family, our friends and our daily needs."
- The second most prominently reported of the signs of infidelity was the fact that the unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times cruel. 70% of those surveyed reported this sign often coupled with emotional and verbal abuse, constant put downs and little to no patience. One woman reported, "At the worst point he was more than disrespectful. He was just plain rude, impatient, angry and aggressive."
- Third on the list of the signs of infidelity was the issue of control voiced by those who were cheating. Often they complained that their spouses are "controlling", yet they themselves were guilty of attempting to control. One betrayed spouse reported of their straying partner, "He insisted that I give him more space, that I stop smothering him, and give him room to breathe. Another said their unfaithful spouse began to express a "my way or the highway" type of attitude.
- Fourth on the list of the signs of infidelity was a reported increase in working hours, after work meetings, business trips and a need to work out of town for prolonged periods of time.
- The fifth and cruelest of the signs of infidelity on the list of their survey results (reported by 50% of those who participated) was illness of the one who is faithful. This was often more a contributing factor than a sign, thus the words of the song "You left me, just when I needed you most." One woman's husband moved the other woman into their home, during her brief hospitalization, the result of a chronic illness. Another woman's husband began his affair while she was laid up with knee surgery. Another during three weeks bedridden with a severe case of pneumonia, another in the ninth month of pregnancy (four days prior to giving birth to their child), and another during her period of recovery from a heart attack.
- Number six on the list of signs of infidelity was paying extra close attention to their appearance, buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, working out at the gym and other sudden fitness endeavors.
- The seventh of the signs of infidelity was showing more energy and zeal for life, doing things they've never done before or a sudden interest in a new hobby or sport. Interestingly enough this sign was often accompanied by a contrasting lack of energy or depression. "He became withdrawn and seemed to have no energy. He napped or was gone a lot." So zeal for whatever is going on outside the home and lack of zeal for whatever is going on inside the home.
- Becoming inappropriately defensive when asked questions, was number eight on their list of the signs of infidelity.
- Signs of Infidelity number nine was becoming extra flirtatious with the opposite sex. One woman reported that it seemed strange the way her husband suddenly greeted other women with a kiss when they were out together visiting friends. (He also became defensive about it when questioned later.) Others reported that their spouse became very defensive about their 'right' to maintain private friendships with the opposite sex. And the faithful spouse was accused of being 'old fashioned' when they justifiably expressed legitimate concerns regarding this potentially hazardous behavior. "He kept telling me that they were 'just friends'. The fact that he continually seemed a need to emphasize it, when I wasn't even asking, should have been an indication to me that something was up."
- The tenth of the signs of infidelity was an obsessive need for 'privateness' and staying up late at night to work on the computer. When confronted with his excessive late night hours in front of the monitor, one cheater responded "it's none of your business. I'm entitled to my privacy." This is a typical response of an unfaithful spouse. Unfortunately the internet has opened up a whole new way to infidelity. When your spouse suddenly needs a private email, bank account or social networking account which they become highly defensive about maintaining, there is a good chance that they are hiding something, and that something is probably marital infidelity. Hiding credit card statements, phone bills, passwords and deleting phone call/sms logs are also among the signs of infidelity.
As Dr. Nagaswami says, it is most certainly possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time and start getting into a web of deception. The most surprising find is that affairs happen even in good marriages because it's not always that people go out and seek affairs; sometimes affairs just walk through the door unannounced. If you are a couple who has faced such horrific disaster and wondering if a broken trust can ever be rebuilt, read this last piece of advice from Dr. Nagaswami:
"Trust, while being a non-negotiable commodity, is certainly recoverable, provided that
- both partners agree that a breach of trust has occurred
- both partners agree that it occurred during a period of vulnerability
- that the transgressor feels remorse and lets go off the affair
- that both partners are equally committed to the rebuilding process
- and that it will never be repeated."
Always remember, that an extra-marital affair even if it is just a strong emotional attachment to someone you are not committed to is a threat and can at some point or other, break your marriage. It is no small affair and not negotiable.
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