Marketing Two-Upmanship
A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming "Best Deals".
Not long after he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next-door, on the other side of his store. It's large sign was even more disturbing- "Lowest Prices".
After his initial panic, and concern that he would be driven out of business, he looked for a way to turn the situation to his marketing advantage. Finally, an idea came to him. Next day, he proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door. It read, "Main Entrance"!
The Pope and KFC
A Marketing Consultant employed by KFC gained an audience with the Pope, and offered him a million dollars if he would change 'The Lord's Prayer' from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused the offer.
Two weeks later, the consultant offered the Pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the generous offer.
Another week later, the consultant offered the Pope 20 million dollars, and finally the Pope accepted.
The following day, the Pope briefed his staff.
Two weeks later, the consultant offered the Pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the generous offer.
Another week later, the consultant offered the Pope 20 million dollars, and finally the Pope accepted.
The following day, the Pope briefed his staff.
"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!''
Marketing Explained
That's Direct Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
That's Advertising.
You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Tele-Marketing.
You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Customer Relationship Management.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Hard Selling.
You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Marketing Dictionary
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Courtesy: WebMarketingEzine.com - the human face of web marketing
Now THAT is the power of Branding.
Third Way
The Optimist says, "The glass is half full."
The Pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
The Marketing Consultant says, "Your glass needs re-sizing."
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
New: Different color from previous design.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitors.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
New: Different color from previous design.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitors.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Wilson Nails
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything'.
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson Nails!'.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything'.
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson Nails!'.
The Marketer And The Programmer
A Marketer and a Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Marketer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Marketer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a whole lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Marketer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, and confident of his ability, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Marketer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Marketer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Marketer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends an e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Marketer and hands him $50. The Marketer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Marketer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Marketer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, then turns away to get back to sleep.
The Marketer's Mercedes
The Marketing Manager had bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The Marketing Manager, used to finding the right words for any situation, thinks for a moment, then says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
The Marketing Manager, used to finding the right words for any situation, thinks for a moment, then says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Marketing An Over-40 Barbie
Not long ago, Mattel's famous and much-loved doll, Barbie, turned 40. Creative Marketers have been working on the new possibilities...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!
Informed Choice
When a young marketer met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I'll see Heaven first," said the marketer, and an angel led him through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the marketer was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to so sedate an eternity.
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the marketer was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
The marketer was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Marketing Presentation"
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the marketer was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
The marketer was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Marketing Presentation"
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